Former tokophobia sufferer, mother of two fearless births, author of Betrayed By Your Biology and Fearless Birthing. Host of the Fear Free Childbirth podcast (2m+ downloads). The person who named Reproductive Anxiety Disorder.
A gentle note: this post is about miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Please read it when the time feels right, and step away whenever you need to.
Loss is one of the quietest griefs there is. So often a woman is expected to carry on as though nothing happened, when in fact something enormous did. I have sat with women grieving losses no one else even knew about, and what they needed first was not advice. It was simply to have the loss acknowledged as real.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss leave a particular kind of grief: one that is real and deep, and yet so often goes unnamed, unwitnessed and unsupported. The world tends to move on quickly. There may be no funeral, no ritual, sometimes no one who even knew. And the woman is left holding a loss that everyone around her seems to expect her to simply absorb.
This post is about that grief: why it deserves so much more than silence, how it can quietly seed fear and trauma, and how it heals. It is a deeply important form of reproductive trauma, and one that too many women navigate alone.
In this post:
A real loss, often unacknowledged
A miscarriage is not “just one of those things,” however often it is described that way. For the woman who experiences it, it can be the loss of a baby, of a future she had already begun to imagine, of a version of herself that was becoming a mother. That the pregnancy was early, or that loss is common, does nothing to lessen the grief. Common does not mean small.
And for women who experience recurrent loss, there is an additional weight: a growing fear that their body cannot do this, a sense of betrayal by their own biology, a dread that builds with each attempt. The grief stops being a single event and becomes an ongoing state, layered with anxiety about what comes next.
Why miscarriage and loss go unnamed
So much of this grief is disenfranchised, which is to say it is not given the recognition that other losses receive. The reasons are cultural and cruel in their quietness. Pregnancy is often kept secret in the early weeks, so a loss in that window has no witnesses. We have few rituals for it. And people, wanting to comfort, reach for phrases that minimise: “at least it was early,” “you can try again,” “it wasn’t meant to be.” Each one, however kindly meant, quietly tells a woman her grief does not count.
When grief is not acknowledged, it does not resolve. It goes underground, where it can harden into something heavier. The first act of healing, always, is simply to let the loss be real: to name it, and to allow it the weight it actually carries.
If you are carrying a loss
You do not have to hold this alone, and there is no rush. If and when you would like a gentle, private starting point, especially if fear has crept in alongside the grief, it is here.
The free Tokophobia Assessment →
How loss can seed fear
Grief is not the only thing a loss can leave behind. It can also seed fear. After a miscarriage, a positive test may bring dread rather than joy: “I’m going to lose this one too.” The body learns to brace, the nervous system stops trusting itself, and what should be hopeful becomes frightening.
This is how loss can grow into secondary tokophobia, a genuine fear of pregnancy and birth born from a real and painful experience. If that has happened for you, please know your fear makes complete sense. It is your body trying to protect you from a pain it already knows. And like the grief itself, it can be gently healed.
How grief after loss heals
Grief is not a problem to be fixed, and I would never speak of healing loss as making it disappear. The aim is not to erase the loss, but to carry it differently: to let it be witnessed and felt, so it can soften from raw, stuck pain into something integrated, something you hold with tenderness rather than something that holds you.
That usually means two things woven together. Allowing the grief its full reality, with acknowledgement and support, rather than minimising it or rushing past it. And, where loss has left trauma or fear stored in the body, gently clearing that charge at the level it lives, so the dread does not run the rest of your story. This is the same gentle, body-based work I describe in how to heal reproductive trauma at the root. I think of Susie, who carried two early losses and the terror that followed, did this work, and went on to calm, healing births. Her losses remained part of her story. They simply stopped running it.
There is no timeline on grief, and no right way to do it. This can be carried, and gently healed, in your own time.
Where to go gently from here
If you would like a small next step, here are some gentle options. No pressure to take any today.
- Betrayed By Your Biology – my book, where loss, fear and healing are explored through real women’s stories.
- Abortion Grief and Trauma – a companion piece on another loss too often carried in silence.
- Fearful to Fearless – my in-depth 1:1 programme, mentioned only as an option, for supported work with loss and the fear it can leave behind.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal to grieve deeply after a miscarriage?
Yes. Miscarriage is a real loss, and deep grief is a natural response, whatever stage the pregnancy reached. That loss is common does not make it small. You may be grieving a baby, an imagined future, and a version of yourself that was becoming a mother. Your grief is valid and deserves acknowledgement.
Why does pregnancy loss feel so unacknowledged?
Because it is often a disenfranchised grief: early pregnancies are kept private, there are few rituals for loss, and well-meaning comments like “at least it was early” minimise it. When grief is not acknowledged, it tends to go underground rather than resolve, which is why naming it matters so much.
Can miscarriage cause a fear of pregnancy?
Yes. After a loss, a new pregnancy can bring dread instead of joy, and the body learns to brace for more pain. This can develop into secondary tokophobia, a genuine fear of pregnancy and birth born from real experience. The fear makes complete sense, and like the grief, it can be gently healed.
How do you heal after pregnancy loss?
Not by erasing the loss, but by carrying it differently. Healing usually means allowing the grief its full reality with acknowledgement and support, and, where loss has left fear or trauma in the body, gently clearing that charge. The loss remains part of your story, but it no longer has to run it.
By Alexia Leachman, creator of the RAD framework and the Fearless Birthing method. Former tokophobia sufferer, author, host of the Fear Free Childbirth podcast.
About the author: Alexia Leachman works with the reproductive wounds women carry but rarely get to name: from birth, pregnancy, loss, and medical experiences that left a mark. Drawing on Head Trash Clearance and her own path from fear to two fearless births, she helps women gently heal what sits underneath, in their own time. More about Alexia →
Fearless Birthing and Head Trash Clearance are not therapy and are not a substitute for clinical mental health or medical care. If you are struggling or in crisis, please reach out to a qualified professional or your care provider.
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