How This Hidden Trauma Shapes Women’s Lives
If you’ve ever wondered why even the thought of pregnancy or birth sends you spiralling, or if you support women who shut down around conversations about babies and motherhood… this episode is for you.
In this opening episode, my cohost JJ and I dive deep into the real roots of tokophobia — the pathological fear of pregnancy and birth — and why it’s not just something that happens to “other women.”
As someone who’s experienced tokophobia first-hand, helped hundreds of women through it, and now spends my life shouting from the rooftops that THIS is the reason so many of us are stuck… I can tell you: nothing traps a woman’s power quite like unhealed reproductive fear.
Here’s what we unpacked in Episode 1 — and why it matters for both women and the professionals supporting them.
Tokophobia Is Not “Just a Bit Anxious” About Birth
We need to get one thing straight at the start: tokophobia is not simply worrying about birth, or wanting to avoid pain. It’s a severe anxiety disorder — raw, visceral, and often goes unrecognised for decades.
- Tokophobia can show up as deep avoidance, not only of pregnancy but of relationships, intimacy, or even creative projects (yes, that surprised me too!).
- Most women don’t even realise they have it: it feels more like “I’m just not maternal,” or “I could never imagine myself pregnant.”
- This condition can run so deep that it bypasses the rational mind and gets hardwired into the body — JJ describes a wave of “abject terror” when she once saw a positive pregnancy test, with no clue why.
Reflect:
Have you or your clients ever avoided talking about children, or felt a sense of dread (not just disinterest) around the idea of motherhood? This might not be simple preference — it could be tokophobia at work.
Your Own Birth Trauma Can Shape Your Fear (Even If You Don’t Remember It)
Here’s the hard truth: most of us have no conscious memory of being born. And yet, both JJ and I have seen — in ourselves and so many clients — that the roots of tokophobia often lie in our own birth experience.
- 80% of the time, the root trauma behind tokophobia is thought to be our OWN birth, not a fear based on someone else’s horror story or our imagination.
- This primal trauma is stored in the body, not the conscious mind — so all the positive affirmations, hypnobirthing tracks, and rational reassurance can leave women feeling more “broken,” not better.
- Puberty trauma and sexual trauma can also play a role. Feeling out of control, ashamed, or unsupported during major body changes plants the same seeds of terror that bloom in pregnancy and birth.
Reflect:
Have therapies or courses “not touched the sides” of your anxiety?
If you’re a professional, have you had clients who just don’t respond to what normally works?
Understanding how pre-verbal trauma “runs the show” is key to both compassion and effective healing.
Society (and Even Research) Keeps Missing the Point
One of the reasons tokophobia remains so hidden is the way it’s studied — and dismissed. Most research on the fear of birth only counts those who are already pregnant, missing the masses who never get that far due to avoidance. Even definitions like “primary” and “secondary” tokophobia obscure the real issue: it’s all rooted in trauma.
- Professionals are looking in the wrong places, asking the wrong questions, and measuring the wrong statistics.
- Many women (and let’s be honest — plenty of professionals, too) have never even heard the word “tokophobia.”
- We need questions in research and in our practices like: “What was your own birth like? Was your mother anxious or unsupported?” The lived experience of women holds the answers, but only if we’re brave enough to ask.
Reflect:
Do you see clients who feel “off” but can’t name why? As a woman yourself, have you ever thought, “Is it me?” when nothing worked to alleviate your fears?
Naming Tokophobia Is Powerful — For Healing, for Choice, for Peace
Once you know this is a thing — with a name, a pattern, a reason for showing up — everything starts to change. Naming tokophobia is the first step to healing, and also to making empowered choices about motherhood, fertility, and your life.
- Healing isn’t about “becoming broody” — it’s about no longer letting fear dictate your choices, whether that means becoming a mother or not.
- Real closure and peace can come, even if your childbearing years are over, by healing the grief of a life you never lived due to hidden fear.
- If you’re a professional: understanding tokophobia and the spectrum of Reproductive Anxiety Disorder will transform how you support your clients, and help radically reduce needless suffering.
Reflect:
What would it feel like to know you’re not broken, not “less of a woman,” but simply living under the shadow of an unhealed fear? And what would it mean for your clients, your friends, your daughters, if you started recognising the signs?
Courage to Listen, Courage to Heal
If anything in this resonates — in your bones, your memories, your client notes — I urge you to listen to this episode. JJ and I tell the truth about our experiences, the gaps in mainstream support, and how the right approach can change the trajectory of a woman’s whole life.
Fearless Birthing is powered by the Head Trash Clearance method for a reason: it’s the only approach I found (after everything else failed) that can clear tokophobia at the root, gently and fast. You don’t have to grit your teeth or “push through it.” There’s a better, safer way.
Listen to the full episode here, and know this: if you’re ready to explore your own fears, or want to learn how to support women through this quietly devastating form of trauma, you have a home here.
With boldness and compassion,
Alexia – Creator of Head Trash Clearance & the Fearless Birthing framework
P.S. Want to read more? My white paper The Case for Reproductive Anxiety Disorder explores how these fears show up beyond pregnancy and birth — and what we can do about it as a community.